I refuse to accept that I’m old at just 51.
But these days, whenever I struggle to wake up, with all the muscles and joints in my upper body aching, I feel old.
When my mum was 51 she looked amazingly gorgeous and was a super gal, doing a million things with so much energy. There are relatives in their seventies who have more of a spring in their step then I. They are my role models.
I recall that at age 16, even 30 was beyond ancient so everything is relative based on your changing perspectives.
Or am I experiencing premature aging caused by the often dismissed long term effects of cancer treatment. Especially going through chemo twice. It horrifies me when I read that chemo makes you age 15 years. By that calculation am I 81 now?. Why couldn’t they have invented immunotherapy earlier? At least that treatment is not as devastating. Chemo attacks and damages your healthy cells as well. No wonder we are called survivors as the drugs used in chemotherapy were modified from chemicals used in actual warfare. Isn’t that mind boggling?
I don’t recognise the face and body in the mirror anymore. It’s like I’m literally melting like a Dali painting. Just yesterday (even in my mid fourties) I had the most glowy, springy skin. Just when did this sagging creep up on me?
I’m going to persevere though. Out with limiting concepts about age. I’m keen to get into the best shape possible mentally and physically, and I refuse to accept all the statistics. Being diagnosed soon after I turned 45, at stage 3 and recurrent cancer at 46, I’m still okay, so I feel like I’ve already massively defied statistics. Longetivity is not what I strive for, but quality of life and happiness. I mostly hope for a reduction in my anxiety even though my brain is just wired that way.
I have one huge motivation to press on. I just want to make my nieces proud and do right by them. Previously I did everything to make my Papa proud. In a way I still seek his approval in everything I do. It’s why I’ve started writing and practising the piano again. I’m not a great pianist, but I’ve never played better since I started at age 6. And this time I’m actually enjoying it and missing it when I don’t.